Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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