It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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