im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
