her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
