Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
