nut hugger
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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