he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
