Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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