I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
