So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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