Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
When did angry sex become our thing?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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