This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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