There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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