I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
