Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
