his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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