Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
