it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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