I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
