Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
