i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
