The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
