dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
