Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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