I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
