I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
