I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
