If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
