I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
