Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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