i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
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