I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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