my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
