just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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