did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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