it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
