at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
