come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
