fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
