cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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