My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
