i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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