How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
