God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
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who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"