I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
