just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
