He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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