phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
