one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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