and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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