I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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