So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
