I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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