Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
