I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
