when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
