she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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