Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
