Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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