The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
