Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
