Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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