i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
