we're chasing vodka with high fives
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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